When you first married your wife, you probably had deep conversations long into the night, and genuinely enjoyed one another’s company. But as the years pass by, relationships sometimes naturally drift apart.
However, what happens when you suddenly realize that you hate your wife? Perhaps your wife may have had an affair, or has done something else that caused great pain. Therefore, your feelings toward her border on rage and constant annoyance, rather than simple indifference.
Unfortunately, handling these developing feelings of animosity toward your wife can be challenging and emotionally taxing. Along with this surge of strong emotion, you might finally realize that your marriage is over, unless something changes. You may desire to salvage the relationship, but wonder whether or not you actually can.
But using this simple guide, you can take the first steps toward handling your hatred in a productive way, in order to either move forward or end the relationship as quickly and amicably as possible.
Pinpoint the Reason Why You Hate Your Wife
Identifying the underlying cause of your anger and resentment is the first step in determining whether or not the relationship can be salvaged. If you can name the reason why you started to hate her, you might determine that these feelings could easily change with a new routine or a new job, or by surrounding yourself with different circumstances. Even a new hobby could help mitigate some of the untoward feelings that you have for your wife.
Do you find that you have a difficult time pinpointing the source of your animosity? You might have to take some time to do a little soul-searching on your own, or with the help of a counselor. Individual therapy could help you sort through any of your own issues that are causing the tension in your marriage.
If you feel that the relationship can be salvaged, naming the cause of the feeling might give you an opportunity to work through your issues in marriage counseling. But in order for the counseling to be effective, .both parties must be willing to do an equal amount of work, share their hurts, and strive toward reconciliation.
Hatred could be the symptom of an issue that is easily resolved, which could cause your aversion to your wife to disappear over time. But if she committed an unforgivable offense that will never go away, you might have to make some tough decisions. A husband who can never love (or even like) his wife again should seriously consider divorce as an alternative to living in a miserable marriage.
Determine If Divorce Is Right for You
If you have been uncertain about divorce, you need to first make sure that you attempt to salvage the relationship. You might try counseling, scheduling more date nights, spending time together, and openly communicating. Both you and your wife must be committed to the process of attempting to heal the relationship. Without attempting to correct the issues that plague your marriage, you might find yourself with lingering questions and the regrets of getting a divorce too hastily.
If at all possible, avoid choosing divorce. This process is emotionally and financially painful. You can institute a few changes at home, in order to try to make this option more appealing. One major suggestion for learning to love your wife again is to stop comparing your current relationship to the one you once had. It is normal and natural for a relationship to evolve over time. You should not live in the past, so the two of you need to start looking toward the horizon instead.
Husbands should also avoid comparing their wife to other women. Your wife will never be able to win this game, and it can breed hatred and resentment on her end.
Spend time alone with her, so you can reacquaint yourself with the unique quirks that helped you to fall in love with her all those years ago. Make it a point to notice her positive qualities, and those things that once attracted you to her. They obviously exist, or you would never have married her in the first place.
How to Decide When Divorce is Right
Does the pain of staying strike you as greater than the pain of leaving? When this feeling finally occurs, it is time for you to start pursuing a split from your spouse.
Here are the signs that a relationship is likely doomed:
- You are subject to constant misery and anxiety, a total breakdown in communication, or an inability to have pleasant and neutral talks.
- Your spouse refuses to take responsibility for her part in the problem, or she attempts to control the situation by manipulating you. Abuse, manipulation, or controlling behaviors start to surface.
- When a man’s own rage toward his wife leaves him struggling to control his impulses, he may decide that divorce is imminent. He may find himself fantasizing about physically or mentally abusing his wife. Avoid these drastic and unhealthy scenarios at all costs, even if it means that you need to immediately move out.
- If you are considering staying because of the children, take note of the toll that your tense relationship is having on their psyches. Kids can greatly suffer under these kinds of stressful circumstances. Pay careful attention to their symptoms, and seek professional help for them, if and when it is necessary. They might need an objective third-party to help them process their anxiety, worry, and concern about the breakdown of your marriage.
Prepare Yourself for Divorce
If the time is right, you need to move toward ending the marriage before things become worse. Preparation is key to a successful divorce, so start putting things in place now, in order to make the process a little easier. For example, you need to get your finances in order by creating a new budget, determining how bills will get paid, and deciding which of you is better suited to stay in the marital home. Without careful planning, living in two separate households on the same income level may be difficult or impossible.
Start rounding up the important financial information that you are going to share with your divorce attorney and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst. Important documents that you will need include:
- Bank statements
- Tax Returns
- Investment information
- Retirement savings accounts
- Asset information
- Copies of any loans or mortgages
- Credit card statements
Now is also a great time to start selecting the professionals who will serve on your divorce team. A sharp divorce attorney is the first person you will want to hire. He or she should be experienced in family law or divorce, instead of being a general practice attorney. Therefore, he or she can specialize and hone the skills that will get you what you are entitled to during a divorce settlement. The success of your financial future could depend on the competence of your divorce attorney, so choose wisely.
In these early stages, a CDFA should also come on board to help you. This professional can help you create new budgets and examine the finances that are available to you. He or she can also offer assistance on how to split assets, and advise you on what is fair and equitable during the divorce process.
You may even want to preemptively hire a therapist or counselor. Divorce can be an extremely stressful experience, which can lead to feelings of depression, anxiety, and increased anger toward your spouse. Therefore, having a safe space to process these feelings away from friends and family members could be beneficial to your emotional health.
Tell Your Wife You Want a Divorce
Eventually, you will have to talk with your wife about your desire to pursue a divorce. While it can help to discuss the exact reason why you feel the relationship is failing, you should be able to specifically articulate why you do not think the marriage can be saved. You might hate your wife, but you should probably not tell her that.
Plan out what you will say to your wife in advance. You will want to emphasize a few key points, and even write them down. Stay focused on these issues, instead of becoming sidetracked by other conversations and topics. In this very emotional situation, written notes can help remind you about what you want to say.
Set aside plenty of time, and designate a quiet, private location away from your children. You should practice keeping your voice calm, low, and neutral. None of your anger or resentment should be heard through your tone of voice, or perceived in your body language.
When you are finished, give your wife an opportunity to voice an opinion, share her concern, or offer suggestions. Genuinely listen to her point of view about your marriage. She may be able to come up with a constructive solution that would resolve your issues, instead of pursuing a divorce. She may have different insight into what led your relationship into its current state.
Remember not to emotionally respond to this conversation. If you cannot handle discussing anything further at this time, agree to revisit it the following day, or set a date for the next week.
When to File for Divorce
It is best to file for divorce after you have talked to your wife, so she is not blindsided by the paperwork. This common courtesy sets the stage for more amicable communication, which can lead to a smoother negotiation and divorce.
If possible, discuss the divorce method with your wife. When you are able to calmly have open, constructive conversations, you might be able to proceed with a less expensive divorce method (such as mediation). However, these methods do require you to cooperate with one another and openly discuss your finances, assets, and desires.
After you talk with your wife, be certain to give her some time to process the information before you immediately head to the courthouse and file the paperwork. Many experts recommend giving her two weeks, in order to adjust to the idea of ending the marriage.
When Hatred Leads to Divorce
When hatred leads to divorce, you might be tempted to leave the relationship with your pride intact. It might be tempting to telling your wife exactly how you feel, but it will not do you any favors in the long run. Particularly if there are children involved, you must find a civilized, mature way to handle your divorce. Remember to set an example, and to remain as calm as possible throughout the process.
By choosing the higher moral ground, you might be able to make the entire process less taxing on all parties involved. A less stressful divorce is healthier for everyone, and it could also lead to a less costly split. While divorce is never an easy thing, you owe it to yourself to pursue happiness, instead of choosing to stay in a marriage that fills you with misery. When divorce seems like the only option for resolving your animosity toward your wife, it might be time to start planning how you are going to part ways.